Imposter Syndrome Interview with Cayce Garrison, Pixite’s Creative Director of Marketing

Siobhan: So today I’m excited for our conversation because it’s kind of a big one. We talk about it a lot internally, and kind of everywhere I guess, and it’s Impostor Syndrome in the creative space. I wanted to start by kind of bringing that up and yeah how would you define that for yourself; what has your experience been with that?

Cayce: I think you know Imposter Syndrome is pretty common in the creative space and I think it’s pretty common in most people. You know the root of it is you just kind of feel like a phony. You don’t quite know if you’re deserving or worked hard enough to get it. 

Friends or your family can tell you how great you are, but it’s your internal beliefs whether you think you’re deserving of recognition. No amount of appreciation for your work really helps, it’s almost like a form of depression as an artist or as a creative.

I think, you know, we at Pixite have built a really great place where we build each other up. We do as much as we can to promote each other. in my experience, I’ve worked really hard to get to where I’m at. 

There’s a lot of late nights with freelancing, a lot of late nights at Pixite,  you know launching new apps, but there’s always that lingering “Did I really earn it, did I really work hard enough for this? 

Imposter Syndrome: Working as a Professional without a College Degree

Cayce: As someone who didn’t go the traditional college route, I know that coming to Pixite and you know I felt like I did, I earned it, but there’s a lot of times when you’re working with other creatives and other individuals that have you know, Masters, Bachelors, you’re like okay I feel like they did more… But that “doing more” doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re better than you or you’re lesser than them. 

It’s understanding that you bring your own individual voice and that it’s a different perspective than anyone else and understand that your perspective is valued and it’s worth something and the work you put into it is worth something. 

The Silver Lining of Imposter Syndrome

Cayce: It’s still to this day: “Did I earn this? Am I the best person for this?” Imposter Syndrome is an interesting driver, it also can lead to pushing yourself to get better to learn more. I think that’s that’s the positive side – the silver lining of Imposter Syndrome is you can use it as a true motivator to get better. 

Imposter Syndrome isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In some ways it keeps you grounded. Always make sure you’re looking at it from the positive side, that’s the healthiest way to deal with it.

Siobhan: That totally makes sense to me, that sort of conflict between the internal and the external validation. Like all this stuff might be coming in, but internally you’re not accepting it because you have this different framework of what it means.

It sounds like you see that balance of, like, maybe considering it as a force for good to push you forward. 

Advice for Dealing with the Anxiety of Imposter Syndrome

Do you have advice for people where maybe it’s more of like on the other end of that? Where it’s a little more like crippling or anxiety focused and finding more of a balance to make it a healthier part of their lives. 

Cayce: You know, what’s helped is talking about it. It’s not easy to do it if you don’t have a support system, or you don’t think you have a support system. That’s you know it’s hard to do. It’s finding like-minded individuals that you just share those experiences with and see if they’ve run into the same thing.

I think I’ve never met someone who at least once in their life felt like they didn’t “deserve it” or didn’t “earn it.” That’s the only thing I can get to is – is talk about it you know thinking about it, not sharing is, I mean, with most personality social stuff with anxiety, it really helps to talk. 

Just get it out. When you’re stuck in your own mind, that’s the worst place to be sometimes. You know someone can look at your experiences from a different perspective and maybe enlighten you, like, oh yeah that’s true, I did do that and I did earn that…

You just never know what someone else is going to offer for you in a conversation. 

The Importance of Talking it Out

Siobhan: Yeah and even what you’re offering them – because maybe they’re going to have a “me too” moment and you can kind of, like, give and take there as well. 

Cayce: Exactly yeah, it’s – you know they may not realize they actually need to share the same kind of story. 

Siobhan: Yeah it’s not math where you can say, “Well that’s wrong. You know, so it’s so much more personal in terms of how we judge things and how we judge ourselves because we you know you can believe someone who says that your work sucks and what does that mean? you know it’s so much more ambiguous so you definitely need to have those conversations more in the creative space.

Imposter Syndrome as a Writer

Cayce: As a teacher, as an educator, as a writer, what is your experience with the Imposter Syndrome?

Siobhan: It’s kind of a wild thing. I was having this conversation with someone and I kind of talked about how artists temperaments – we just kind of swing you know, like one day you’re like: “I’m so amazing” and then the next day you just want to like burn everything I’ve done. Like the thing where you crumple things and throw it, and then you regret it.

That’s probably somewhat related to imposter syndrome just like because it’s all tied into self-worth or insecurity or how you’re relating at that moment to yourself and to your art which is coming from yourself.

Imposter Syndrome As a Teacher

Siobhan: As a teacher you’re trying to tailor things to students, and you’ve got this education of how to teach – and then you get in and it just doesn’t work for all the kids. 

So then you feel like: “Do I know what I’m doing? Because, like this kid isn’t responding to this thing in the textbook, so there’s that – and there’s a lot of creativity that goes into teaching because you’re trying to come up with ways that resonate with different learning styles.

Kids have different amounts of background knowledge or whatever, so yeah so there’s always like a little bit of “What am I doing? Is everybody feeling overwhelmed sometimes? and the answer I think is “Yes.”

Part of it is just being human, right. Just like how your external life is relating to your internal life and how well that’s matching, and like you said using that to fill yourself forward and say: “No I can do this, and I’m actually doing a good job and I think that does come from conversations.”

Looking at Past Work

Cayce: No I think so it’s funny as you talk about looking at past work. My instagram account is probably my portfolio, and I go back and kind of scroll through things and think “I posted that – like, what was that?”

Is that viewed as Imposter Syndrome or is that just the general creative – always being judgmental of their own work?

 Do you have that experience?

Siobhan:  I don’t know, yeah you just go back and read something you wrote you’re like: “Oh this sounded so beautiful.” 

Cayce: Is that just growth?  You just realize you’ve gotten better?

Siobhan: Yeah I think distance – distance is, I guess if we’re just talking about like looking back on your art, yeah I think – well I don’t know because I also think that like if it’s just like the next day and you’re regretting it – I don’t know maybe in the design world this is different – but you might want to sit on it a little bit longer because you might change your mind again.

But also I think it’s nice to look back and see progress.

Cayce: Yeah that that’s there’s the natural comparison that sometimes can be beneficial like: “Oh yeah that’s…I’m much better than where I was five years ago

in terms of x. 

For me I’ve had moments where I think – this has to do with imposter syndrome – like, oh I was so much better at that then. To look back on those experiences like why do I think that?  Maybe I had more time to focus strictly on that project, less distractions.

Have you ever looked back and thought: “I was better then”? 

Siobhan: Yeah. Even things like old papers I wrote, where I’m like: “Oh I knew a lot about this topic you know like I don’t remember any of this. I don’t know if I could exactly reproduce this.

Do you look back and say “oh this is too crowded” like is it the same kind of thing where you have like new parameters that you have a sense of or is it just like the whole vibe is off it definitely goes both both of those can be an option and I don’t necessarily look back on things and say oh I was so much better than it’s like oh that was me then and this is me now right right it’s like this is like uh you know your blue era or what is that called yeah but like you know even like what’s sort of out there and being affirmed at this moment and then you look back later and you’re like this looks dumb but it’s kind of like what everyone was kind of it was like the trend

Cayce: Especially visual design there are definite trends that exist. I think I can go through my portfolio and be like: “Oh there was that trend. I definitely tried that. You know the flat design – the skeuomorphic – was the thing that to be creating and I think that’s another thing too, is not being reliant on trends to inspire your creativity.

I think it’s that’s a sign of growth is when you’re letting your aesthetic dominate what you create and you’re not letting trends kind of define it. Maybe let it inspire, but you don’t let it define it.

Siobhan: Which that is kind of transcending Imposter Syndrome a little bit because you’re kind of saying: “What I am doing is more worthwhile than listening to all these voices,” so you’re kind of trusting yourself a little bit more there.

Cayce: I think it’s this the growth phase of you know coming out of Imposter Syndrome if you can. It’s realizing  your value, what you brought to it.

Siobhan: Thank you for chatting 

Cayce: Absolutely.